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Here's the job that that hypocritical bimbo Audrey Stick applied for:

With 33 stores in the Lower Mainland and growing ... we continue our search for "those special individual's" whose superior leadership, enthusiasm and customer skills will play an important role in our continued success in the position of:

STORE MANAGER

The successful candidates will possess a minimum of 1 - 3 years "Operations Management Experience" in retail or food service environment, with emphasis on full business unit accountability.  These "special individuals" demonstrate excellence and quality in customer service, store standards and have an in-depth understanding of P & L's.

With a zest for living, a caring for others, a desire to learn and the acceptance of new challenges, these individuals have demonstrated experience in developing an excellent store team through the use of their superior communication and motivational skills.

Our "Total Pay" consists of competitive salaries, bonus potential, and an excellent benefit program which is topped off with Bean Stock, our partner stock option program.


If you are one of these "special individuals" please forward your resume in confidence to

Human Resources Dept.
STARBUCKS COFFEE COMPANY
555 Mainland Street
Vancouver, BC
V6B 2T9

Here's her letter, the filthy gravy-sucking pig:

Enclosed please find my Curriculum Vitae, in response to your search for a Store Manager.

Cool.  Or perhaps I should say "Cool!"  I have done a quick self-analysis, and in my heart I believe I can honestly say that I am a "Special Individual".  I have a "zest for living", a "caring for others", and a wonderful, mystical relationship with "P&L's".  I also have a certain facility with a word processor that allows me to produce "quotation marks" at will, and complete the emphasis with italics and bolding at the touch of a button.  You may have "noticed".

But the quality that makes me truly a "special individual" is that I am "in tune with the times".  There are too many cozy little cappuccino bars in our sleepy ethnic neighbourhoods, and it's "high time" they were driven into obscurity.  With my in-depth understanding of P & L's (more P than L you'll be pleased to hear), together we can dispatch those jabbering Mediterranean upstarts, and re-direct our fair city to its inevitable, homogenized future.

Let's take your "TOTAL PAY" (whoa.  Capitals.  Must be important) concept, marry it to your "Bean Stock" program, and let's set a few fires.  I can hardly wait for that "caffeine shudder" to kick in, so I can become an even more "special individual" than I am now. STARBUCKS is in my future!  I have STARBUCKS in my eyes!

Yours truly,

Audrey Stick

Fortunately, the wise people at Starbuck's had the good sense not to hire her. Here's their reply:

Dear Audrey:

Re: Store Manager

Thank you for submitting your resume in response to our advertisement in the Vancouver Sun.

While the depth of your experience, skills and abilities are impressive. we have now selected a short list of candidates whose qualifications more closely meet our requirements.  We thank you for interest in Starbucks Coffee Company and we wish you luck in your future endeavours.

Sincerely,


Prunella Cowlick
human resources manager

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  September 9, 1999

 

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