that dick-faced hammerhead Buggles Puppy

TV RESEARCH AND MARKETING

We need an enthusiastic new team member to help in marketing the television medium. You'll be in communication with hundreds of sales reps, agencies and advertisers across Canada ... and you believe in great customer service! You will help keep our library current with the latest industry reports. You'll need to be computer literate with spreadsheets, word processing and computer graphics. You should be familiar with TV ratings and PMB research and have a flair for creative writing.

If you can stay cool under pressure and are ready to learn, please send your resume today, and include your current salary level, to:

Crofton Tequila, VP Marketing and Research Services
Television Bureau of Canada
555 Yonge Street, Suite 555
Toronto ON
M1M 1M1

Dear Mr. Tequila,

Enclosed please find my resume, in response to your search for a TV Research and Marketing Team Member.

As my resume suggests, I am at a crossroads. My seven years as a telephone solicitor for IncrediFit Pantyhose have been every bit as fulfilling as a person could hope, but the edge is getting dull. My career clock is ticking. Time moves on, and so must I. I need challenge, but I need to remain fully immersed in Marketing, the vocation that has been rendered inseparable from my very being.

Research is second nature to me as well, as anyone who has had his privacy cracked open like a jar of pickles to more than one Angus Reid Grocery Survey over the years can attest. No doubt you require assistance in researching some of the more bizarre trends of Canadian TV viewers, such as the habit of watching those idiotic commercials that clutter most programs. And what kind of brain-dead ninny has the time to lounge around watching Canada A.M. when those of us who care about the quality of our lives are oiling the wheels of commerce before the crack of dawn? While my figurative dawn has been cracking shortly after 1pm for many years, I nevertheless personally avoid all habits that might cause anyone to mistake me for a wastrel or a layabout.

As a seasoned Media veteran, need I bore you with my knowledge of TV ratings and PMB research? You are not dealing with some jabbering greenhorn in the discussion of these subjects. And since men do not suffer from PMB, I cannot claim to have the first-hand knowledge of its effects that a woman has. But my lovely wife Pam is drawn into its cranky clutches every 28 days, just like clockwork, and I have made it my duty to observe her misery and her mood swings, thus making me a virtual expert in the ravages of PMB.

I see no need to include mention of my current salary level, because I trust it will become my ex-salary level at the moment I begin my new job. However, I have no objection to a healthy give-and-take on the subject of my new salary, which will be commensurate with the level expected by a seasoned industry professional with executive experience and refined tastes. Here's a hint: think low six figures.

I am anxious to get started, so please write to me before week's end, and let's tie up the loose ends.

Yours sincerely,
Buggles Puppy

Fortunately, the wise people at the TV Bureau had the good sense not to hire him. Here's their reply:

Dear Buggles,

Many thanks for your response to our Marketing ad last month. We have been overwhelmed by the response, and it has taken us longer than planned to move through the process.

We reviewed all applications very carefully and spoke with many by telephone. At this stage, fifteen were invited to visit the Television Bureau for the first round of interviews.

I would have loved to have met with every applicant, as each had special qualities. However, I could only meet with those who most closely met our profile of the ideal candidate. I am sorry, Buggles, that your name was not among this group.

Thank you for considering the Television Bureau. We wish you the very best of luck in your search for new employment.

Best regards,
Crofton Tequila

ps: You clearly won the award for Most Entertaining Application! I know you will find your niche, perhaps creating radio ads!
Good luck.