that two-bit babbling pissant Folger Punt

Province of British Columbia
Ministry of Transportation & Highways
Bridge Seismic Rehabilitation Liaison Engineer

You will select consultants to produce designs of seismic rehabilitation of bridges and other structures; coordinate, direct and approve designs to ensure adherence to conformance; develop and maintain a prioritized inventory of the seismic capacity of bridges and other structures; develop seismic design procedures and standards.

Qualifications: BSc in Civil Engineering and a minimum of 7 years experience in bridge design, construction, maintenance and repair, including experience in bridge seismic engineering. Registered with the Association of Professional Engineers and Geoscientists of British Columbia

Apply to
Dunhill Flare, Personnel Advisor
Ministry of Transportation & Highways
555 Blanshard Street
Victoria, British Columbia
V8W 3E6

Dear Mr. Flare:

Enclosed, please find my resume in response to your search for a Bridge Seismic Rehabilitation Liaison Engineer.

While you might not expect as much at first, you will come to realize very quickly that my considerable experience as a Telemarketer provides me with unique credentials for the position you have advertised. I can't think of what those credentials might be at the moment, but the job title strikes me as just the kind of thing that a bright light such as myself would like to see on his business card.

I'm certain that your copywriters had a nice chuckle when they sat down to itemize the Job Qualifications. Your advertisement is littered with idiotic requirements that only the most nobby-brained eggheads could possibly possess. A degree in Civil Engineering alone is a bit of a hump to begin with, what with the taxing transition from slide rules to computers in the past few years (clearly, I showed remarkable foresight with my acquisition of a pre-owned Commodore 64 last spring). But then you expect the poor hack to have spent another seven years in the field, just waiting for this golden opportunity to fall into his lap. Do the arithmetic: your man has spent 12 years toiling in the publc school system; he has amassed another six years of drudgery to earn his degree; and seven years after that he's kissing the provincial ass to get a job that I could do in my sleep.

Is this who you want? A festering, lifeless toad who cultivates eyebrow hair and listens to Yanni? I know this marginal human: he thinks at the speed of sound, but has the personality of algae. He dates his hand. He has a boil in his nostril. His underwear has a Canadian Tire label. Very soon now, this person ... just like dozens, perhaps hundreds of his clones ... will be stumbling through your tastefully decorated office, imparting his body oils onto your office furniture, dully reciting page after page of his tedious accomplishments from his thirty-seven page resume, and proving that the relationship between homo sapiens and the common vole may not be so distant after all. Is this the sort of person that you envision hobnobbing with those bridge-building hotshots at gala social gatherings and awards ceremonies of British Columbia's Association of Professional Engineers and Geoscientists? Give your head a shake.

My field of Pantyhose telemarketing demands a complete and breathless presentation, leading seamlessly into the inevitable, satisfying conclusion. That is the process that this situation demands, and I am pleased to oblige. I can begin tomorrow, but certainly no later than next Monday. Please forward immediately the details of your extensive benefits package, and your suggestions for suitable accommodations in Victoria. I prefer an office with a harbour view.

Yours truly,
Folger Punt

Fortunately, the wise people at Ministry of Highways & Transportation
had the good sense not to hire him. Here's their reply: