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Here's the job that that hypocritical bastard Creole Fanshaw applied for:

Western Memorial Regional Hospital

Western Memorial is a fully accredited regional hospital located in the city of Corner Brook.  We require the services of an Anaesthetist in September for approximately three months in order to provide vacation relief for existing staff.  Please note that there is a possibility that a permanent position may be available at the end of this three month period.  The salary for the position is in accordance with established Provincial Rates.

Apply in writing to
V.P. Buckledorf, M.D.
Executive Director
Western Memorial Regional Hospital
P.O. Box 555
Corner Brook, Newfoundland A2H 6J7

Serious inquiries may call COLLECT to (709) 637-5635

Here's his letter, the slimy, booger-eating wife beater:

Dear Dr. Buckledorf,

Enclosed please find my Curriculum Vitae, in response to your search for an Anaesthetist (Locum).

It is possible that this is not a serious inquiry.  Had I been sure that it is, I would certainly have accepted your kind offer to phone you collect.  Truth be told, I feel that my application lies somewhere in the muddy area between frivolous and ignorant, since I have no idea what Locum means.

All the same, I certainly have first hand knowledge of Anaesthetics.  With the help of Winston Doody, my childhood neighbour and friend, I have laid out more than one sick-looking critter in preparation for surgery.  It was our practice to keep an eye out for neighbourhood pets that limped a bit, dogs with a depressed look, cats that shook when they peed ... that sort of thing.  I would whack the thing with a shovel, and we'd staple it to Dad's workbench.  Then Winston would go in with his steak knife, root around a while to see what things were up to inside, and then take out some of the bits that didn't look quite right.  I'm not sure that our cure rate was exactly 100%, because the pets usually disappeared while we were at the 7-11, celebrating with a post -op Slurpee.

From the tone of your ad, you are clearly desperate to lure some job-starved Anaesthetist (Locum) into your undoubtedly charming hamlet of Corner Brook.  The offer of a collect call, and the "permanent position may be available" lure are as old as the hills.  And let's not forget that Western Memorial Hospital lies on the edge of a rock, in a time zone that is closer to Reyjkavik than it is to my home in Vancouver.  I'm guessing that my backyard surgical skills are looking a bit better all the time, wouldn't you agree?

It occurs to me that, with a position that will only last three months, it doesn't matter whether my inquiry is serious or not, because I'll be winging my way home again before you know it.

So, I'll take the job.  Besides an advance on the salary that is suspiciously "in accordance with Provincial Rates", I will require a surgical shovel.  I prefer a 135-cm Tru-Temper soil spade, with a resonant wooden shaft.  And, please tell me if Locum status is tax deductible.

Yours truly,
Creole Fanshaw

Fortunately, the wise people at Western Memorial had the good sense not to reply.


  September 9, 1999


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