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Here's the job that that hopeless wad of spittle Cuthbert Thmith applied for:

Citgo Canada Ltd.

Join our successful Publication Services team developing world class user documentation. We are looking for a team player with proven writing skills and a technical background.

Qualifications include a Bachelor's degree, 3 years of direct relevant experience, and exceptional organizational and communication skills. If you are a creative, results oriented individual with a serious interest in designing, writing and editing manuals for a variety of technical audiences, then please submit a resume in confidence. Please enclose a 3-page sample of your best work.

Attn: Human Resources
Dynapro Systems Inc.
555 Carleton Court, Annacis Island
New Westminster, BC
V1V 1V1

Here's his letter, the braindamaged gormless tweak:

Enclosed please find my resume, in response to your search for a Technical Writer.

Technically, I could write. I prefer pictures, but when the cituation demands it, I could string together fabulous writing. It's truly a marvel.

Be not misled. I say pictures, but a misnomer actualices. More truly, the magic of imagery attacks my soul and articulous, dynamic renderings of Pulitcer material vomits forth from me unto the firmament. Got it?

Hows the pay? I got a wife and a sick spaniel, and both is diddling me. Whereas no diddling is my goal. Compencation notwithstanding, hows the benefitce? Ectended medical, I accume.

I got no three pages of samples, but this letter while busting my brain is showing my best cide, dont you legree? Show me a bovine deflector, and I will render it unto the audience none such as a cowcatcher, but more truly as the way to arrive at the station without no cowguts on the fuccin bowsprit. Thats the trick, no?

Okay, let's talk to turkeys and call it a spade. Pay me and I write.

Yours most incredibly,

Cuthbert Thmith

Fortunately, the wise people at Dynapro had the good sense not to hire him. Here's their reply:

Dear Cuthbert:

Thank you for applying to Dynapro Systems, Inc.

We are currently in the process of reviewing your resume and would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in the company.

Your resume has been forwarded to the appropriate department and you will be notified within a few weeks with the results of the review.

Thank you for your interest in Dynapro Systems Inc.

Yours truly,

Frieda Go
Human Resources Specialist



  October 13, 1999


copyright Don Magor 1999, 2000 all rights reserved